WEEKEND CRIME REPORT
MONTGOMERY COUNTY POLICE DEPT.
JULY 5, 1997

AN ESTIMATED 150 PEOPLE, SOME DRESSED IN WHAT APPEARED TO BE 18TH CENTURY PIRATE COSTUMES, CONVERGED ON THE ROYAL MILE PUB LOCATED AT 2407 PRICE AVE. IN WHEATON, MD. AT ABOUT 8 P.M. SATURDAY, JULY 5, 1997.

IN ADDITION TO VIOLATING BUILDING SAFETY, CAPACITY AND FIRE CODES, LOCAL ZONING CODES AND LAWS PROTECTING WAIT STAFF AND BARTENDERS FROM CRUELTY, THE CROWD EXCEEDED RECOMMENDED DECIBLE LEVELS FOR COMMERCIAL BUILDINGS IN THE AREA.

THE DISRUPTION LASTED APPROXIMATELY FIVE HOURS, FROM 8:00 P.M. UNTIL 1:00 A.M. IN ADDITION TO EXCESSIVE DRINKING, TOASTING, SHEEP JOKES AND SHOUTING "HUZZAH!" EYEWITNESSES ALLEGE THAT COPIES OF A CERTAIN RECORDING OF HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE TASTE WERE SOLD TO THOSE IN ATTENDENCE.

SIX PEOPLE, REPORTEDLY CALLING THEMSELVES "THE PYRATES ROYALE," ARE BEING SOUGHT BY THE POLICE FOR QUESTIONING. THEY ARE DESCRIBED AS A WHITE MALE, ABOUT 5 FEET 7 INCHES TALL, BALD WITH BLUE EYES, WEARING A BLOND MOUSTACHE AND GOATEE AND QUESTIONABLE TATOOS; A WHITE FEMALE, ABOUT 5 FEET 8 INCHES TALL, WITH BROWN HAIR, BLUE EYES, AND AN IMPOSSIBLY BRIEF RED COCKTAIL DRESS; A WHITE MALE, ABOUT 5 FEET, 7 INCHES TALL, WITH BLACK HAIR, A BLACK BEARD AND MOUSTACHE AND TWO GUITARS THAT MAY FIRE OFF STRINGS WITHOUT WARNING; A WHITE FEMALE, ABOUT 5 FEET TALL, WITH RED HAIR AND A PENCHANT FOR SINGING "THE UNICORN SONG;" A BLACK MALE, ABOUT 6 FEET, 2 INCHES TALL, WITH BLACK HAIR, BROWN EYES AND WEARING A SILLY PUFFY SHIRT; AND A WHITE FEMALE, APPROXIMATELY 5 FEET, 8 INCHES TALL WITH RED HAIR, BLUE EYES AND AN OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH ACCENT.

THE SIX PERSONS IN QUESTION COULD FACE A VARIETY OF CHARGES INCLUDING DISTURBING THE PEACE, PUBLIC LEWDNESS, SPITTING, ASSAULT WITH GUITAR STRINGS, ENCOURAGING EXCESSIVE CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL, AND DISTRIBUTION OF MUSIC THAT VIOLATES EVERY STANDARD OF GOOD TASTE AS ESTABLISHED BY THE UPTIGHT PARENTS YEARNING TO ESTABLISH REASONABLE AMERICAN SOCIAL STANDARDS (UPYERASS).

ANYONE WITH ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THESE PEOPLE OR THE EVENT ARE ASKED TO CONTACT THE MONTGOMERY COUNTY POLICE DEPT. AND TELL THEM HOW THEY CAN PURCHASE THE PYRATES ROYALE RECORDING, ALLEGEDLY CALLED "HELLO, SAILOR." GOD KNOWS THE SERGEANT NEEDS TO LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.

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